MILTON: Well, Regina. We meet again.
REGINA: Correct, Milton. Correct indeed.
MILTON: You will have noticed by now Regina that I no longer attend the Monday-Wednesday-Friday Grammar class at 2pm in which we were forced to sit together.
REGINA: I have. Last class period, it was noted by most of the students that the air was much more breathable without you.
MILTON: Very funny, Regina, but I happen to know you are lying, because I asked Professor Chubbins about the class’s response to my absence when I went to his office later that afternoon… for work.
REGINA: And he told you we sobbed uncontrollably?
MILTON: No, but when I went to his office, for work, he did say that you stared at my empty desk for a curious accumulation of seconds.
REGINA: You asked him specifically about me?
MILTON: Missing me already, Regina?
REGINA: Someone had written a sentence on your desk.
MILTON: Of course. A sentence.
REGINA: I was reading it.
MILTON: Of course you were.
REGINA: It was in your handwriting.
MILTON: Of course it wa—no!
REGINA: It said, “Regina Fitzwelter, I love you beyond all the reverberations of the atomic realm…”
MILTON: (speaking over REGINA) I am—I am—I am not interested in words written on desks. My purpose in speaking to you is to gloat over my recent exalted position as Professor Xavier Eleanor Chubbins’ new Teacher’s Assistant! If you are filled with awe and wonder, it is understandable.
REGINA: Your desired effect has failed to take hold.
MILTON: Incorrect, because shock and fear are the effects I desired, and I can see them now, plain as day, written on your face. You comprehend the threat I pose. Instead of dilly-dallying away the days in grammar class, writing paper after paper on participial principles, I will be reading those papers while wielding a pen of crimson ink. The fate of your grade rests entirely in my hands!
REGINA: Not that the class has any papers to grade.
MILTON: The point is I’m a TA! It is, of course, to be expected that someone like you, Regina, who pretends to celebrate underachievement because of your own large propensity for failure, would be hopelessly jealous of my formidable accomplishments.
REGINA: monologue. Mention the desk-letter; she SAYS she interprets it as mockery.
MILTON: You just don’t want to admit becoming a TA is a significant achievement.
REGINA: ‘Significant achievement’? Simon LaRoda works as a TA. (She points at SIMON, who sneezes on other side of stage.) If Simon can get in, a pimple could get in. Like you.
(Up to this point, SIMON has been engaging in odd activities like kissing his thumbs and pressing them to the ground. This preoccupation of his should be understated, but present—the actor shouldn’t be doing anything so absurd that he draws all attention to himself, but it should be clear that whoever is over on that end of the stage is weird. After sneezing, however, he should calm down and just sit with his food patiently, as though waiting for something.)
MILTON: Oh, how I hate you, Regina! One day I will RULE the UNIVERSE, and the first person I’ll force to carry it on their shoulders, like Atlas, the cursed demigod, will be YOU.
REGINA: That’s not threatening at all. (Exits)
MILTON: Good luck on not getting sucked into a black hole when there are 500 MILLION of them pressing against the nape of your neck!
Milton eventually goes over to Simon’s side of the stage, venting his frustrations, and Simon’s first full line is an absurd offering to help Milton:
SIMON: I know how to kill a man just by looking at him.
MILTON: Just "A man", or more than one?
SIMON: Men. Women. Children.
MILTON: Do you?
SIMON: Yeah. Want to see?
MILTON: Not on me.
SIMON: That’s okay. I’ll do it to that squirrel up there.
MILTON: Where?
There’s an electric surge, a flash from above, and a furry thing falls from the catwalks onto the stage, smoking slightly.
SIMON: There.
MILTON: You murdered a squirrel. Should we call someone?
SIMON: No.
MILTON: You are very powerful.
SIMON: You want me to teach you?
MILTON: (nods)
SIMON: ‘Kay. You start by squinting. Then you drop your jaw, not like you’re yawning, but like you’re filled with a surprising feeling.
MILTON: Should I look at someone?
SIMON: Of course not! I’m the only other person here. Then you raise your shoulders high and stiff and spread your fingers long and straight and take a long deep breath and then…
MILTON: (looks over)
SIMON: …breathe it out. If you’re sitting stand up, if you’re standing sit down, and think of the happiest, prettiest, most delicate and soothing thing in the world.
MILTON: (confused) Soothing?
SIMON: It’s a branch of reverse psychology. Then you take off one shoe, throw it over your shoulder, kiss one your thumbs, press it to the ground, take a long, deep breath and then…
MILTON: (looks over, SIMON shakes head, they hold breath for a long time)
SIMON: … let it out.
MILTON: Are we almost done?
SIMON: Getting there. Then
One more cycle of things, then on the last exhale BOOM! Simon downs another squirrel, Milton his first leaf.
MILTON: Thank you for showing me this power. I want to use it immediately, and I know exactly whom to use it on. Have you used the power against many?
SIMON: Oh, yes. All of my enemies. Squirrels, mostly.
HOW IT ENDS: Simon somehow convinces Milton he’s overdramatic, wanting to find a reason to dislike people (Milton calls Simon jealous), and that sometimes people like REGINA are just being themselves and mean no harm. Play ends with REGINA returning for a forgotten book, and Milton handing it to him and offering the proverbial olive branch (maybe the book is called that—“The Proverbial Olive Branch”). Consider the possibility of Regina having a similar or contrasting power. Also consider Milton or Regina becoming evil and killing the other, or Simon. Something like that.
MILTON: Do you?
SIMON: Yeah. Want to see?
MILTON: Not on me.
SIMON: That’s okay. I’ll do it to that squirrel up there.
MILTON: Where?
There’s an electric surge, a flash from above, and a furry thing falls from the catwalks onto the stage, smoking slightly.
SIMON: There.
MILTON: You murdered a squirrel. Should we call someone?
SIMON: No.
MILTON: You are very powerful.
SIMON: You want me to teach you?
MILTON: (nods)
SIMON: ‘Kay. You start by squinting. Then you drop your jaw, not like you’re yawning, but like you’re filled with a surprising feeling.
MILTON: Should I look at someone?
SIMON: Of course not! I’m the only other person here. Then you raise your shoulders high and stiff and spread your fingers long and straight and take a long deep breath and then…
MILTON: (looks over)
SIMON: …breathe it out. If you’re sitting stand up, if you’re standing sit down, and think of the happiest, prettiest, most delicate and soothing thing in the world.
MILTON: (confused) Soothing?
SIMON: It’s a branch of reverse psychology. Then you take off one shoe, throw it over your shoulder, kiss one your thumbs, press it to the ground, take a long, deep breath and then…
MILTON: (looks over, SIMON shakes head, they hold breath for a long time)
SIMON: … let it out.
MILTON: Are we almost done?
SIMON: Getting there. Then
One more cycle of things, then on the last exhale BOOM! Simon downs another squirrel, Milton his first leaf.
MILTON: Thank you for showing me this power. I want to use it immediately, and I know exactly whom to use it on. Have you used the power against many?
SIMON: Oh, yes. All of my enemies. Squirrels, mostly.
HOW IT ENDS: Simon somehow convinces Milton he’s overdramatic, wanting to find a reason to dislike people (Milton calls Simon jealous), and that sometimes people like REGINA are just being themselves and mean no harm. Play ends with REGINA returning for a forgotten book, and Milton handing it to him and offering the proverbial olive branch (maybe the book is called that—“The Proverbial Olive Branch”). Consider the possibility of Regina having a similar or contrasting power. Also consider Milton or Regina becoming evil and killing the other, or Simon. Something like that.
What is Regina's need? Why does she put up with Milton? Maybe she's partnered with him in another class and her grade depends on their work together.
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